every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
