when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize