peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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