You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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