I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
this boner is exhausting
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize