I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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