I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i already hear my dad disowning me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize