what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
