What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
