Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
