i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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