next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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