The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
no more duck duck goose at the bar
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
