drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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