I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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