You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
