I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
