she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
