Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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