My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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