i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
