I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
