Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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