he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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