why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
