Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
