i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
