i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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