He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
