I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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