Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
