i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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