I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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