Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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