This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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