Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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