I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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