Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
