I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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