I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
