How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
