I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
