Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
