He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
