Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
