He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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