Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
