she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
