I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hippo gnu deer
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
