Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
