My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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