So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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