Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
