I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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