I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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