So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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