ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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