Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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