I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
