The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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