I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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