u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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