My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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