ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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