She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
