I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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