I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
