he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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