It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Pooping to opera.
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