So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
