I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
