Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
